5 days ago
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I am trudging. Dear God almighty in heaven above, I am trudging. One foot in front of the other. What must be done right now, this afternoon.
I knew I would feel like this. I knew it and I prepared Mr. Quimby and myself. I didn't prepare my friends which is why I cannot return their phone calls because all I will do is cry. I should have thought to mention that to them before I left.
I've made progress - I have work plans for tomorrow, personal plans for Thursday and Friday, work plans for next week.
But it is so hard, so very very hard. I make conversation with new people. I make small talk. I introduce myself. Over and over and over again. I try not to talk too much - to ask and listen instead. I look at the mountains, the majestic beautiful mountains and remind myself that my life is easy, comparatively speaking. These are 1st world problems.
I look at the girls school - a new-ish building full of teachers and administrators who love children and love teaching. It is EVIDENT in everywhere - classrooms, common areas, all of the environment. I feel lucky and I feel grateful, so very grateful, and I feel sad that not every child has this experience: for every child surely deserves it.
I look at our wonderful three city community centers: full of rock walls and pools and gymnasiums.
I look at our neighbor - so kind and generous in spirit. So willing to answer my questions.
I look at my husband and my children and think of what fun we will have "hiking" this weekend and next. Ramona made it for 3 miles on her bike today with only a couple short breaks. We have fun plans in our future for bikes and hikes !
I think about our new parish - the Catholic church I have been searching for for the past 15 years. A vibrant, engaged, and excited parish much like the one I grew up in.
Facebook and blogs have been my lifeline this week. I check them obsessively. Each comment, like, or post from a friend reminding me that I have friends, that I know people.
I can barely talk to my parents, my sisters. All I will do is cry. About what, I"m not sure exactly - for there is so much to love here. I took the girls to the public outdoor pool today and I could smell the pine needles and see the mountains while swimming and playing with them.
Although some of my prayers have been so very clearly answered, I am finding it hard to pray these days. It's discouraging.
I know myself - I'll be walking next week and running (metaphorically) in a few.
For now, I have to trudge.