Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Trudging


I am trudging.  Dear God almighty in heaven above, I am trudging. One foot in front of the other.  What must be done right now, this afternoon.

I knew I would feel like this.  I knew it and I prepared Mr. Quimby and myself.  I didn't prepare my friends which is why I cannot return their phone calls because all I will do is cry.  I should have thought to mention that to them before I left.

I've made progress - I have work plans for tomorrow, personal plans for Thursday and Friday, work plans for next week.

But it is so hard, so very very hard.  I make conversation with new people.  I make small talk.  I introduce myself.  Over and over and over again.  I try not to talk too much - to ask and listen instead.   I look at the mountains, the majestic beautiful mountains and remind myself that my life is easy, comparatively speaking.  These are 1st world problems.

I look at the girls school - a new-ish building full of teachers and administrators who love children and love teaching.  It is EVIDENT in everywhere - classrooms, common areas, all of the environment.  I feel lucky and I feel grateful, so very grateful, and I feel sad that not every child has this experience: for every child surely deserves it.

I look at our wonderful three city community centers: full of rock walls and pools and gymnasiums.

I look at our neighbor - so kind and generous in spirit.  So willing to answer my questions.

I look at my husband and my children and think of what fun we will have "hiking" this weekend and next.  Ramona made it for 3 miles on her bike today with only a couple short breaks.  We have fun plans in our future for bikes and hikes !

I think about our new parish - the Catholic church I have been searching for for the past 15 years.  A vibrant, engaged, and excited parish much like the one I grew up in.

Facebook and blogs have been my lifeline this week.  I check them obsessively.  Each comment, like, or post from a friend reminding me that I have friends, that I know people.

I can barely talk to my parents, my sisters.  All I will do is cry.  About what, I"m not sure exactly - for there is so much to love here.  I took the girls to the public outdoor pool today and I could smell the pine needles and see the mountains while swimming and playing with them.

Trudging.

Although some of my prayers have been so very clearly answered, I am finding it hard to pray these days.  It's discouraging.

I know myself - I'll be walking next week and running (metaphorically) in a few.

For now, I have to trudge.


4 comments:

Maud said...

It's new. It's different. There is nothing familiar. And it's not temporary. I totally understand why you're not feeling light and airy and full of the joys of spring.

You should call them back, to hear their familiar voices and cry a little if you need to. It will probably be good for you, and help the trudge be a little less trudgey.

Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

We're all thinking of you.

If you want to cry, feel free to call.

Love you much, H.

Aimee @ Smiling Mama said...

Sending big hugs! Trudging is okay, it means you are moving forward to a non-trudging time. Do you have a favorite novel you've read before and might want to read again? I find some comfort in familiar pages and a story in which I can lose myself, when I find myself trudging.

Maud said...

That's a great idea of Aimee's - read a favorite book, listen to NPR, cook some comfort food, unpack some of your bits and pieces. Do all the things you can to make the unfamiliar familiar, at least in your own little corner of it.

 
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