Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It's Happening Already

I can feel it happening already - the pulling away and de-sensitizing emotionally.

I can turn off my feelings and make myself not feel when I talk with co-workers, with friends.  I've stopped e-mailing some people back.  I head in to the house instead of waiting to say hello to a neighbor.  I've passed the baton on my community consignment sale.  I'm resigning from a committee tomorrow.  I don't order school supplies.

We have a ratified contract on our house here in Maryland.

We have a ratified contract on a house in the Denver suburbs.

I am excited, scared, happy, and sad.  Anxious. Hopeful. Worried.

There's a catch in my throat.

The seven long weeks of waiting for our Maryland house to sell as a "for sale by owner" sale has paid off.  We have a strong contract at a good price and with the early closing and rent back option we wanted.  The people who are buying the house are good people - I feel good turning the house over to them.  They don't have young children to walk to our local elementary school and that makes me sad though.  But they do have 8 grandchildren who live locally who will play in our yard.

I allow myself to think of my toddlers playing in the yard. My throat closes tightly and tears well in my eyes. Must. not. think.  Must. not. feel.

The several long months of research into the Denver area and the real estate market have paid off.  We have a strong contract at a good price that is contingent on the sale of our house.  The owners (an investment company) just updated the kitchens and bathrooms in preparation for the sale.  I actually saw this house 2 months ago before all the updates.  It didn't sell and didn't sell, so the owners took it off the market for 3 weeks and made the updates.  Mr. Quimby went and looked at it yesterday during a long layover while flying to the West Coast and we made an offer this morning giving them 8 hours to respond.  The house is across the street from the highly rated and well regarded elementary school; a mile from the high school; 1.4 miles from the middle school.  It's a 20 minute drive to the Catholic Church I have been dreaming of for the past 10 years and a 25 minute drive to an Atrium (a Catholic religious education class based on the Montessori method).  There's a pool and a clubhouse and walking trails all within a few minutes walk.  There's a city recreation center with a climbing wall and free weights classes and a family hot tub.  There's a small bedroom where Mr. Quimby will work with a window that faces West that overlooks the school and has a mountain view in the distance.  Combined with an easy 35 minute drive to the airport, his work life will be easier.

This is the only way I can leave the place where I have lived for almost 22 years.  Not thinking.  Not feeling.

I need to call my old counselor.  The one I saw for 8 years.  The one who I credit with helping me become a mother, because she helped me to see that I could do it.  The one who helped me avoid post-partum depression.  I will miss her and her lovely forest green couch, even though I haven't seen her more than once or twice in the past five years.

There will be time for thinking and feeling.  I have a lovely date afternoon and date night planned with Mr. Quimby where we will retrace the steps of our courtship and falling in love - from CUA to downtown DC to Capitol Hill.  Constitution Gardens, the steps of the Capitol, the grounds of the Washington Monument.  St. Peter's Church on Capitol Hill where we were married.  That will be the time for thinking and feeling.

My throat catches - this is awful, the thinking and feeling part.

So, please forgive me if I seem distant.  It's the only way I can get through leaving the people and places I love.


Anonymous said...

Oh you will be missed TSM! Much love, H.

Maud said...

Such a lovely post. It really captures the push and pull you must be feeling right now.

You will miss and be missed, but great things are ahead for all of you. Your new neighborhood sounds wonderful.

Tirzah said...

Ellen! Best wishes for this new chapter in your life! Ill miss having you so close, but I'm so happy for you at the same time!

Blogging tips