A lot has been going on with me and our family the past few weeks. Things have settled down now and I am grateful and Mr. Q and I are working hard to fix the things that aren't right. I am lucky and grateful to have him as my Valentine (even though he is a PITA* sometimes. Evidently I am a PITA too !)
As I look back on the past few weeks to think about what was making me feel off, a few things came to mind. I realized that I had read WhyMommy's post about starting with hospice, Dooce's post about her separation, and watched the reunion of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where they talked a lot about the abuse that Taylor suffered through. I'm susceptible to the pain of other people and I have to be conscious of that to not let it unduly affect me. I learned that when I started working in student affairs many years ago and I had forgotten about that part of my nature.
Coupled with some weight gain and feeling pulled in several different directions so I haven't been able to exercise regularly, and I was tense. Not cranky, but tense. Mr. Q was tense because of his own stuff and my own tension meant that I wasn't handling his tension well. The girls picked up on it and responded as is typical (and appropriate) of children and everything was just sort of a HOT MESS around our house.
In spite of all that, reading her post about hospice and assuming that WhyMommy was in the process of dying changed something in me. All the times I had read her beautiful posts about her children and all the times I reminded myself to be more kind, more gentle with my own husband and children, yet it came down to that day she said she was going to use hospice. I've yelled unconsciously at my children 1 time since then. I've raised my voice consciously, but that's fine with me. It's the unconscious yelling that I don't want to do. I feel guilty about this, and wish that it didn't take a beautiful person going in to hospice to affect this change in me.
It still took a couple more weeks to sort things out with the rest of our family, but I *think* we are back in a great groove now. I'm skipping a meeting to be able to exercise tonight instead (this is huge for me). Mr. Q and I are back on track, and we've figured out a key thing to dealing with an area that used to cause tension: bedtimes. Preferably, one of us needs to not be home at bedtime or at least completely unengaged. We've been practicing this for a couple weeks now and last night I was able to lay on the couch (bad, bad headache) and Mr. Q handled bedtime and it was very, very smooth.
I wish I could have blogged more when we were off-track, because I think it is so important to be honest about these times. When I occasionally would mention it to friends, I really appreciated their validation that marriages/families take work and that although things go off the rails at times, it's possible to get them back on. What I also appreciated was that talk of difficulty in a marriage/family didn't make anyone jump to conclusions, because it's not about that.
More on this later . . .
1 week ago