Sunday, May 30, 2010


You know, I've got to stop looking at Facebook.

Really. Just stop already.

Because it is hurtful when you see photos of a kid's birthday party in the neighborhood that your child/children were not invited to. Even though there were almost 20 kids in the photo, and even some kids that you think to yourself, "Wow, I didn't even know they were friends. I wonder how they know each other."

Man, for all my "simple living, we try to keep our weekends calm, yada, yada, yada" point of view, it still really, really smarts.

Especially when I have been making such an effort with the mother. I have been making to give her what she needs from our "friendship" - to return her phone calls and e-mails promptly. I pick up the phone at 9:15pm at night when she calls even though I am exhausted. I pick up the phone at 8:15pm which is right in the middle of our bedtime routine. I stay on the phone for 20, 30, 40 minutes listening to her, empathizing about her child or her mother, and trying to listen and validate when she needs it and give advice that I think will be helpful.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I had known about the party beforehand - but now I wonder if she deliberately tried to keep it from me. On one hand, what's the big deal ? You're having a party and not inviting my kids - that's cool - it's you and I that are "friends" not necessarily our kids. But now, seeing it in retrospect, I asked her what she was doing that weekend. And she lied. To my face. Or maybe it was over the phone. But she lied. LIED.

One of my real friends in the neighborhood said it so well when we were discussing this person a few days ago "We always care the most about the people who matter the least."

Enough said.

* Edited to add the below section a couple hours later:

I've got two fantastic, dear friends in the neighborhood. And another 3-4 people that are friends that I could definitely be close with if only we had more time to spend together. In the latter case, our kids are just far enough apart in age to not really play together, so the relationship is definitely between the mothers. Why can't I be satisfied with that ? I. am. so. lucky. (and I haven't even mentioned the Milk Moms, because none of them live in my neighborhood). Why I am 36 years old and whining about this ? It's very unbecoming and I'm tempted to delete this post lest you all see how weak I am.


T said...

oh ebt...i'm so sorry. i have a great article called "are social networks messing with your head?" it's the reason my fb presence has gone done to nil except for work stuff right now. i was hurting so often looking at stupid stuff online. the only problem is i can still hurt myself by googling or doing fb searches on profiles that aren't closed. it's the place i ache the most about my past and then things that i miss about my marriage etc. so anyway i feel it too and i'm sorry that you know the pain too.

dc604 said...

sorry to be crass, but....drop that bitch, she is someone who only cares to get her own ego-centric needs fulfilled and then feels no need, whatsoever!, to return the favor. She's not interested in being a friend, she's interested in feeling good about her self, and once that has been accomplished, she does not need you. There are many people who truly do need you, so focus on them. I know, easier said than done - but very, very important to practice.

Sarah said...

I agree with dc604 - Drop that bitch. Sometimes you have to fire friends. She obviously isn't that into you - the way you would want a real friend to be. DTB (drop that bitch)

Lacey said...

I 100% agree with dc604.

I'm sorry she's not a worth while friend

Stimey said...

You know, I think there are so many reasons that go into a party invite list that I don't really care if my kids get invited for the most part (although I wrote a post remarkably similar to this one about three years ago—including the later update).

Here's the thing, lying to you about it? That's not cool. All she had to say was, "We're having X's birthday party. There were so many kids I had to invite out of obligation. Sheesh." Maybe a white lie, maybe not, but far better than trying to cover it up.

{sue} said...

Argh! The same thing happened to me, although it was a grown up party. But the same kind of people. If I could only grab 5 people to jump in a lifeboat with me, none of them would be in that handful. So why do I care? (I dunno.)

I am also dying of curiosity. I wonder if our Facebook nightmares overlap...

Anonymous said...

Totally understandable that you would feel badly. Posting those photos was really insensitive of your neighbor.

I agree with the other commenters -- it's probably worth pulling back with this friend.

But your hurt is totally understandable. I would have felt the same way.

-- Helen

Thrift Store Mama said...

It was a random attendee who posted the pictures. Really, I would have been fine with the pictures. Just fine. It's the lies that are so upsetting. We certainly aren't invited to every birthday party of every neighborhood acquaintance, and that's definitely okay. And since we've never had a birthday party for our kids, the neighborhood acquaintances probably think that we've had parties but never invited their kids either !

It's the lying that is so bothersome.

Thrift Store Mama said...

Stimey - Went back and found the post you were referring to. So funny to read now, and I love this quote you offered after the clarification: "Now I don't have to feel like the jerk that everyone has to give an invitation to or she'll blog about it. "

Ditto !

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