Sunday, November 1, 2009

Sometimes

Sometimes I can just not even believe how lonely it is to be a mother. Like those times when nobody wants to be with me. When I try to start out with a fun activity, like playing trains in the basement on a rainy afternoon and one child keeps breaking the train track. When another child is screaming at me that I'm doing "it" the wrong way - whatever that "it" happens to be at the moment.

She's crying for Daddy as I change her diaper. Crying for daddy as I try to dress her to take her outside to play in the puddles. The other one is repeating, "Where's Daddy? Why aren't we waiting for Dayy?" Just once, JUST ONCE I want to be the one who gets to play outside instead of having to stay inside cooking dinner.

JUST ONCE I want to sit in the back seat with the girls to laugh and talk on a car ride. Instead, when I try to get in the back seat they start screaming at me that it's Daddy's seat.

I'm the one who has to carry her out of church because she's acting up. And then I'm persona non grata for the next two hours.

I just can't even believe that I gave up my career that I loved and was good at. I breastfed each child for 16 months. And I get treated sometimes like I am nothing more than a servant, a maid and a cook. And half the time they won't even eat what I cook.

JUST YESTERDAY I was telling someone how it helps me to think of motherhood as a calling and that the work that I do for my family is sacred. That I try not to get caught up in them acknowledging or appreciating what I do, because it's not about that. It's about a calling. I'm able to be more patient, more kind. JUST LAST NIGHT I was telling a distant neighbor how much I love the ages of my children. How grateful my husband and I are that we have had the courage to make choices that allowed me to stay home for 19 months with our second child, that allowed my husband to take extended paternity leaves with both children. That we cherish our time with them. I KNOW that all those things are still true now, even as I'm writing.

But sometimes I feel like that's a pile of shit.

What a way to start off NaBloPoMo.

9 comments:

Stimey said...

Very true words. Being a mom is so hard. I think it has a lot to do with the inherent stark raving insanity of small children.

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...

I couldn't have said it better. Except my kids never want daddy. They suck me dry for every need, want, whine, kick, pinch and tantrum. Sometimes it is a calling. And sometimes it's all a huge pile of crap.

Laurie said...

Just tonight, after a day where Scott has given 110% more than he had to give, he went to give Zoe a goodnight kiss and she practically shrieked at him that she wanted kisses from me instead. I know that my time will come...seems like one parent or the other is often on the shit-list...hence the yelling we keep reading about :)

Marya said...

Ellen, I echo your sentiments and I am so sorry you feel crappy. I know my words won't make up for your children's but I think you are amazing! I look forward to sharing a glass of wine on Friday.
Hugs,
Marya

vickie2005 said...

"Only for now".

Mom said...

I HEAR you and I am with you! It happens to me too. The little one is already INLOVE with her father! I am only good for Tehteh time other than that...Pahpah, pahpah!
I hear you!

Rachel et Natalie said...

oh my dear Ellen
you're an amazing mom and they will remember that.
But it is true that it is not fair when they brush us off and ask/scream for our second half, but sometimes I do enjoy that moment because we all know that these do not last.
(maybe you should leave David with the girls for 1 whole day and they will be HAPPY to have you back). You're welcome to visit us

Elaine said...

It is also, of course, that gives life purpose. If one were to ask me what I did to make a meaningful impact during my life, my children would be central to the answer.

Mike said...

Aw Ellen! I can only imagine how hard it is to give and give so much. Moms GIVE. It's unbelievable how much my Mom just GAVE...and how much my wife GIVES. And as much as you give, we (in the general sense) will take. You know...my son does the "I want Daddy" thing too...and I feel so bad, because I'm sure, even though kids are "inherently stark raving mad," it's gotta hurt. As you're reading this, I'm sure you're feeling better, and aren't in the same place you were, so I won't say the traditional "it'll get better." I'll just say...Moms GIVE...and you're a great Mom!

 
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