Monday, January 5, 2009

It's official

An official thing that has happened recently:

Ramona and I decided to stop nursing about 6 weeks ago. Very anti-climatic, despite all my worry about it. One day she just wouldn't settle down to nurse before her nap. When I went to get her after naptime, it kind of hit me that it was right. It was time. I felt ready, I thought she was ready, and so I decided to go with the "don't offer, don't refuse" philosophy. Mr. Q. was home for the next 5 days so he would care for her during her usual nursing time. She's asked occasionally, coming up to me and clutching my shirt and saying "Nyae, nyae" but easily accepts the offer of a sippy cup of water instead. I thought that if she still asked to nurse after having a sip of water, then I would, but the water was happily accepted.

I wish there that there was something more than just mere words to describe what this has meant to me. I vividly remember the joy the first time Beezus latched on in the hosiptal, and then the extreme, extreme anxiety when she wouldn't latch on again, and then the relief when the wonderful Pat Shelley came to my house and got her to latch on again. And the joy when Ramona latched on in the hosiptal and the fierce resolve when I told the hospital pediatrician that my baby did not need formula to treat her jaundice, and the joy and pride of the ease with which Ramona and I created our breastfeeding relationship.

These, these are the moments that I pray I will never forget. When I am an old, old lady I will pull out these moments like a string of pearls and hold them in my hands and move them through my fingers one by one and pass the time remembering them.

I also dropped Ramona off for her first day at daycare today, since I'm starting a new job in February. (More on that later.) It was so very sad to be walking out of the building with nobody to carry, no hand to hold, no nothing. I felt really alone. I'm picking up Ramona early today but I think I might have time for a quick trip to the thrift store to cheer me up.

I'm just now realizing what a coincidence (NOT) that I wrote about both these things in the same post. The mind is a powerful thing. Wow.

1 comment:

Laurie said...

I teared up reading this Ellen. Two big milestones. Last latch, first day of school/daycare. It's such an odd balancing act...want more time for self...don't want to be left alone...want my body back...don't want to stop nursing. And they say it gets more difficult, ugh! Congratulations on doing such a great job taking care of your girls.

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