This is a hard post to write. One of the (many) benefits I derive from a few of my favorite bloggers (see list at right) is how gut wrenchingly honest they are. Their honesty helps me - and when I cover things up or gloss over the details on my own posts, I feel as if I'm taking their honesty and using it for my good but not putting anything back into the honesty pot. It doesn't seem fair.
I've chosed to keep this blog mostly anonymous - I provide the name of my husband, the girls, and enough details about where I live. I never mention my name and so that makes me feel safe enough that the masses could not definitively connect this to the real me. Different people use their blogs for different purposes, and I use this for mine.
Sometimes I wish this blog were totally anonymous, because there is one topic that I struggle with so much and so very badly want to write about, but doing so might let others see the cracks in my facade and suspect, perhaps, that all is not quite as good as it seems. But really, who am I fooling? Don't the people who know us, really know us, don't they almost always see the cracks in our facade anyway - and they still like/love/care for us? I know I do - out of all my closest friends (with a couple exceptions), I'll bet I could tell you the issues they struggle with - whether they talk about them or not. In fact, I can usually tell within a few minutes of meeting a person whether they are mostly at peace with themselves (or not). The ones who seem to want to portray most that everything is good and fine are almost always the ones who are most troubled. Sometimes, I think I can even tell that they think that other people think that their life is great - and that seems even sadder.
But I digress and blabber because I'm nervous. As I'm writing I'm thinking "Do I really want to do this - do I really want to expose myself? But I do, and so here goes...
I really struggle with eating healthy and exercising regularly. I know exactly the right things to do and I think I'm fairly well informed about healthy food choices, in no small part because the girls eat so healthy. Unfortunately, I have such a weakness for sweets and it is so time consuming to cook healthy meals for myself and David. But that's just another excuse, isn't it? To give myself credit, I have cut out a bad habit that I used to have that contributed to excess calories. I've got a good food plan in place and a good plan for sticking to it. I've gone to the gym regularly for the past 2-3 weeks and I noticed this last time that my current level on the treadmill and elliptical didn't seem quite as hard this time. My goodness, it's hard to get there regularly. Once I started teaching ESL two nights a week, going to the gym on the other nights just didn't seem quite as fun - I missed our family time in the evening. Although both girls now cry when I drop them off in the daycare room, they both stop after a few minutes. I'm interviewing a babysitter on Tuesday morning who could possibly watch Ruthie on one morning while Esther is in school, so that would give me an additional chance to go. Unfortunately, there's just no way I can afford the FABULOUS personal trainer that I had two free sessions with, so I'm hoping to find a buddy to share her with me. For a while I've been keeping a counter of when I exercise - it's incredibly satisfying to see the regularity of the days add up.
It's just such a ... struggle. I feel like I have to be mindful of it almost every minute, lest I forget and consume some unnecessary calories. If it happened once in a while it's no big deal, but with regularity...
I know that one of the basic tenets of behavior modification is really believing that you can make the change. And I really don't believe it whole-heartedly. I just feel so fortunate in every other area of my life, this just has to be my cross to bear. I almost worry that to get rid of this cross would make room for another cross - and I don't want to take that risk. But simply put, something must be done. It just must.
So it will be.
For the love of God, please do not offer helpful suggestions on "tips and tricks" I can do to help myself lose weight. For I am embarassed about this lack of self-discipline and you mentioning it will only embarass me further. I feel shameful about it, and anything beyond a little bit of shame never did anybody any good.
(but I don't mind a little encouragement or cheerleading)
9 hours ago