Remember when I said this "I'm looking forward to really starting our new summer routine next week and hopefully developing a rut" in my last post? Boy did I jinx myself!
I've had some moments of extreme anger recently. It seems like a lot of things aren't going well - they are all small things, but added together they make me so mad.
Ramona's constipation. Saw the doctor AGAIN last week and she still says that she thinks Ramona is just adjusting to increased intake of solid food, inspite of the fact that she hasn't had a normal bowel movement in almost 4 weeks now.
Ramona's infected diaper rash. I had to pitch a huge, huge fit on the phone with the doctor's office to get them to see Ramona ASAP. The doctor took one look at what I thought was diaper rash, pronounced it infected lesions, and said that it was really good that I had brought her in. Every single time I call the office, they sigh and say that the next appointment isn't usually for several days. This time, after I was in tears sobbing "My baby's bottom is bleeding and a hunk of skin is missing" they called me back and said they had had a cancellation for the next morning. It's now slowly getting better.
This past Tuesday, I saw what I thought was a louse (singular of lice) in Beezus's hair - and she had been scratching her head a lot that morning. I had a day full of hanging around the house doing housework planned, and that was promptly scrapped. While I was trying to wash out Beezus's hair in the tub and she was crying and saying "Please stop Mommy" and Ramona was crying at me and clutching at my shirt, I felt like crying myself. It seemed at the time like it was just too much. More about this later - it was kind of a defining moment for me. I took a deep breath, remembered that the safety of my children was the top priority, and I put Ramona in her crib (which is safe) and let her cry and/or call for me for 50 minutes while I took care of Beezus's hair. While combing out her hair, Beezus was sobbing and screaming "You're hurting me Mommy, please stop." I felt as if my heart would break. Thankfully, Beezus fell asleep on the floor of her room on a towel and Ramona fell asleep (or passed out from crying) in the crib, and I ran around the house like a crazy person gathering anything and everything our heads might have touched. My sister came over to watch the girls while I washed my own head, Mr. Q. came home an hour early, and then my sister performed the arduous task of combing through my hair with the comb.
Tuesday morning I had woken up with odd lines of bites on a couple places on my body. I didn't think much of it until I saw what I thought was a louse in Beezus's head and since we had head lice, I assumed that my bites were from body lice. When I woke up with more bites on Wednesday morning, I started to get a little more freaked out and went to see Dr. Internet, and her associates, Dr. Google and Dr. Wikipedia. I spent some of that day and all of my 2.5 hours of kid free time on Thursday morning taking apart our bedroom to clean and inspecting the rest of the house.
And that's when I started getting really, really angry. Angry at all of the above situations, angry that it seems like I am always rushing and never have time to sit and breathe for a single second, angry that I can't allocate money for a cleaning person, angry at people who I know make WAAAYYY more money than Mr. Q and I and their complaining about not having any money.
Angry that I'm getting bitten and Mr. Q isn't, angry at myself for being overweight and thinking that that's probably the reason the bedbugs are biting me and not Mr. Q. Because surely, the bedbugs must somehow be my own fault, right?
I've done a lot of research on the bedbugs issue over the past few days and they are some scary, scary critters. And they are very, very hard to get rid of. It's very depressing and makes me feel like we will never, ever get rid of them.
The worst part is that we don't know. We haven't found a bedbug yet, but my bites look exactly like the pictures on the Internet. It's a lot of work to treat for bedbugs - you have to bag up ALL of the stuff in the infected area, which means we would essentially have to pack up our entire bedroom, bathroom and closet. Where in the hell are we supposed to find the time to do that?!?! Most of the sites recommend that you don't treat with the pesticides until you actually see a bedbug.
The comforting thing in all of this is that the girls haven't gotten any bites and Mr. Q hasn't either. But there's also some stories on the Internet where only one person in the bed would be bitten. Part of me wants to see a bedbug so we know what it is and can move on, and the other part of me doesn't want to see a bedbug.
Um, anything else? Oh, I'm also angry that a babysitter from the neighborhood who had been helping out for a couple weeks said that she doesn't want to commit in advance to coming over from 5pm-6pm to play with the girls while I make dinner and I should just call her each day I want her to see if she's available that afternoon. Um, no thanks. I know a brush-off when I see one. Her mother is one of those pseudo-intellectuals who thinks that she's better than everyone else and it's clearly rubbed off on her daughter. I saw the mother use extrememly poor manners at a social event in town recently - and there's nothing more telling about a person than using bad manners.
And I'm angry that Beezus and I went to the pool this morning at 10:30 am and it was closed for a swim meet. There may have been an e-mail sent out about it, I don't know. All I know is that I had a little girl who said "But I have on my bathing suit" and started to cry when the lady told us the pool was closed. I got a little teary too.
I try to keep telling myself that this is all just temporary and is our cross to bear for now. We are healthy and have a strong marriage that has survived some tough and sleep deprived times. Our children are healthy and a delight. We have good friends and my sister here to help us if we need it. There are people dying and starving all over the world.
But this is my story and I'm angry.
1 day ago