Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I've been seeing a new counselor the past few months and she is rocking my socks.

One of the issues I've been working on is identifying how I get stuck in a particular rut of thinking and how that affects my mood.

I've already learned how I cast people into particular roles in relationships: I worry/assume they are thinking something unwelcome or unkind about me, I get annoyed or mad at them for that, and then I respond in kind.

I realized today that I do a thing with my feelings: I experience a feeling that is unwelcome or undesired; I tell myself that I should not be feeling that way because I have a wonderful life and should be grateful; then because I am feeling unworthy of this wonderful life I then decide that I must do something of value or something of service to others to show how grateful I am for this wonderful life that God has given me.

So, instead, what I am going to try to do is allow myself to sit with my feelings and to feel them.

It's ironic because one of the things I'm famous for saying to friends is that feelings are valid - they aren't always reasonable or rational, but a feeling is never wrong.

I'd like to get into a pattern of being gentler with myself - I opted out of the mommy wars and the mommy rat race long ago.  This next step is to still try to do my very best, but to also be gentle with myself when I don't achieve my own standards.

That would be a lovely rut to fall into.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A Fresh Start

Spring isn't quite here yet, but I'm still getting ready for a fresh start.  I've found myself feeling blue the past couple days - waiting for the light, warmth and airiness of spring is hard.

I'm taking Beezus and we're going to a Lenten service at church tonight to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation (or the Sacrament of Confession for some of you old skool Catholics).

I've been working with interior designers and personal organizers to get our house in shape.  Yes, feel free to judge but YOU try moving across country a week before school starts and see how far you get on your own.  Most delightful of all is that although Mr. Quimby may grumble at the cost he is delighted with the results.

I'm even going to re-arrange my office furniture.  I desperately tried to find new office space, but never found the thing that was quite right at the right cost.  I'll be working more hours preparing for a big certification exam I'm going to take in December, so a fresh look in the office will be nice.  I'll be bringing in an extra easy chair and rug from home, and looking for a petite little table on craigslist to spruce it up.

I also anticipate having a little more time for blog writing here and maybe even resurrecting the blog that I used to keep of and for the girls that was more of a digital scrapbook.

While we don't see any signs of Spring here in Colorado (and I know my dear friends back East don't see any either) I know it's coming.  All I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing to get there.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Spinning Up

I was on the phone with my sister this morning, talking about an issue that I'm worried about, and I realized that my thoughts and emotions were caught in a vortex and I said to her "I'm spinning up."  Her response: "Yes."

I've only recently started realizing that I do this thing - where my thoughts jump from one to another quickly - it happens more often when I am stressed or worried but also happens sometimes when I'm excited.  It feels out of control, but it's not really - it's just how my mind works, the mind of a busy working mother who thinks and feels intently and intensely.

I used to "spin up" whenever I had to leave for a trip that was more than 2 nights - but after one 50 minute session with my newish counselor/therapist I have mostly solved that issue (yes, she is THAT good) and I now prepare differently for trips and I think differently so that I don't get all spun up.

I have an old, dear friend who does it too, right Helen's mom?  We've joked about how we both do it and so conversations between us are often very fast and disjointed to an outsider.

I guess I would say I'm thinking intensely about 4-5 things right now and I want to take action and fix every single thing RIGHT.NOW.

My sister reminded me that although these things are important, none of these things are life and death and I don't have to do anything today.  A friend reminded me that as much as I want them to be, they aren't necessarily "fixable" anyway.  They are things that need to be addressed and worked on at some point, but they aren't the sort of things that can be fixed (one of them is my professional development, if that gives you an idea).

I can feel the spinning up starting as I'm writing this and even when I think I'm not thinking about it, I know it's processing in my mind because another friend mentioned today that I seemed distracted.

So for now, I will take a deep breath and try to slow the spin.

Friday, January 30, 2015

It Was Bound to Happen ...

With all the travel and Mr. Quimby and I do, it was inevitable that someone would get seriously ill while someone else was away from home.

I left town Wednesday morning, Mr. Quimby flew in from his trip on Wednesday afternoon, and the phone calls started on Thursday morning.  By Thursday evening, he was on his way to the emergency room, our blessed neighbor was spending the night at our house with the girls, and I was trying to get a flight back as soon as possible.

Looking back on it, it was a surreal experience - that feeling of being away, of being disconnected, of not understanding the gravity of the situation.

When I got on the plane in Philly and started tearing up the wifi making plans, that was when it really hit me.  The magnitude of it all.  The not knowing.

I made arrangements for the girls for the next few days, booked an airline ticket for my Dad, and made it to the hospital in time to spend a half hour with Mr. Quimby before he went into surgery.

It was a bowel obstruction and out of all the 117 things that could cause a bowel obstruction this one (a Meckel's Diverticulum) was relatively easy to treat and there was no long-lasting damage.

Mr. Quimby was only in the hospital for 2 more nights and at 2 weeks post-op he is mostly back to himself although he gets more sleep at night.

What I want to remember about this experience is three things:

1. People are good.  In a crisis, caring friends and neighbors are almost just as good as family.  I was so touched at all the people who offered sincere help and I took many of them up on their offers.  In an odd way, it was reassuring that as much as we hate being so far from our families, people know that and they step in to fill the gap.  I was also touched, as always, by the selfless-ness of my parents.  One of David's nephews also offered to fly out and help with the girls - I'll always remember that.

2. Being in the hospital is intimate and it felt good that my husband needed me.  He smiled and looked at me when I walked into the room and I could see the relief flood his face when I made it in time before he went into surgery.  He doesn't often need me like that and it felt nice.

3. Our children are actually flexible and adaptable.  We have a lot of rhythms and routines in our life.  Although others may call us rigid, we believe that these rhythms and routines create boundaries for our children that make them feel safe.  But I always have wondered what would happen when things get mixed up.  We've practiced this traveling with weird bedtimes, sleeping arrangements, and having odd meals and they've usually done fine.  Although they were sad and worried, they did great with all the shuffling around for a few days and my heart swelled with pride at how good they were through all of it.  (Once Mr. Q came home from the hospital, they also each threw a tantrum and lost their shit - they were just checking to make sure that all those boundaries were still in place).

I've always been worried that this would happen, so I'm glad that we've gotten this 1st time over with.  I'm fairly sure that it's bound to happen again and it's an odd sort of comfort that I'll know what to do next time.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas 2014

Well, NaBloPoMo didn't work so well for me, did it?  Too much work travel and too tired at night.

I'm terrible at uploading photos and the girls scrapbooks from their baby years are a thing of the past.  I have a mild resolution to be better about keeping up with photos in 2015, but first I need to spend some time on pinterest to figure out the different techniques and how I want to manage it.

I'd like to keep this blog for my own thoughts and for a record of the bigger celebrations - so that one day, when the girls are in high school or college and I'm at a scrapbooking workshop working on scrapbooks from elementary school, I'll have some sort of a written record to look back on.

Christmas Eve was a bit of a mess - I had convinced the family to wait and go to church on Christmas Day.  Ramona spent the morning at gymnastics camp, Beezus wandered around the house moaning and whining, and Mr. Q helped me work on my back log of 12 months of expense reports.  The girls and I made Christmas cookies in the afternoon and then in the late afternoon Beezus had a melt-down which resulted in a forced walk around the block.  This sort of melt-down happens every time she doesn't have adequate physical activity and/or fresh air!  Mr. Q took them for pizza for dinner while I did more expense reports, and then we finished up the Christmas cookies and wrapping for Mr. Q in the evening.

Opening sister gifts; Beezus gave Ramona fuzzy socks;
Ramona gave Beezus a snowflake she had made at school.

When the girls have trouble falling asleep, the quickest way to get them there is so sit in the hallway outside their room.

Santa's elves organized gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas and wrapped late into the night.

Christmas yesterday was so, so lovely.  After a disasterous Christmas Eve (the by-product of too much unstructured inside time), I knew that Christmas Day needed to have more structure if it was going to be a peaceful day.

Sometimes I think that's a shame, that our family can't be cooped up inside all day without getting on each other's nerves.  Some days, it does work like that - but I can never tell which days it will work out and which days it won't.  So in order to hedge my bets, I decided to create a little structure for Christmas Day.

We woke up in the morning and opened presents.  The girls had a couple from their aunties and grandparents, 2 from Mr. Quimby and me, and 3 joint gifts from Santa.  We celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas, so several of the girls gifts will re-appear later in the week along with several family activities and outings.  We opened a few, took a break to eat a little breakfast, opened a few more, and then the mad dash was on to get ready for church.  Mr. Q and the girls went ahead without me, preparing a bigger crowd than usual (and our church is crowded every single Sunday anyway).

Girls chose their own outfits from our favorite consignment store.  Last year was the
last time for matching Hanna Andersson dresses evidently.  Sniff sniff.

I arrived on time and we were able to sit in our regular seats which is nice.  Mass was simple, we saw a few friends and then headed to Ihop for breakfast.  I was steadfastly against going to Ihop because I believe it promotes a market for businesses to stay open on Christmas when I think they shouldn't.  I acquiesed to keep the peace and it was a nice way to get a filling meal into the girls.

I knew the girls needed some physical activity in order to stave off the inevitable late afternoon melt-down, so we had some forced outdoor time.  I texted a few other families who I knew didn't have family in town or visiting and fibbed to the girls that they were thinking about coming to play so we needed to hustle to the playground.  The girls showed me all the games they played at recess and the "secret hide-outs" in the bushes where they go during recess.

We came home, tidied up a little bit, and settled in to watch a Christmas Story.  This is Mr. Quimby's all time favorite movie and the girls got some of the jokes.

The menu for dinner was a spiraled ham, turkey, mashed potatoes and green beans.  Yet again, it is always so upsetting when the girls won't try new foods and Mr. Q had asked me ahead of time to please not freak out and just let it go today.  I did, but I can't help but worry about the longer term implications of children who won't try new foods.  At least Ramona ate the mashed potatoes though.  We used one of our new family gifts which is "Table Topics."  It was fun to hear the answers to the questions and learn new things about each other.
Eating in the dining room and with china!  Proud of me and Mr. Q for letting that happen.

There was more clean-up than usual after dinner and while Mr. Q did the dishes, I tidied up the living room.  I have a new-ish strategy where each family member has a designated step on the stairs and all their stuff gets piled on that step.  It seems to make the room neater although the steps still look like a disaster!

Since we had late night on Christmas Eve, Mr. Q and I were in bed shortly after the girls.  We could look out the window and see the snow falling and it felt so peaceful.  I counted my many blessings and thought again how grateful I am for this life, even with its inevitable hills and valleys.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


A canceled religion class and no friends around to play resulted in a LOVELY unexpected afternoon at home today for me and the girls.

I halfheartedly worked and putzed around the house and for the most part tried to leave them to their own devices, but took frequent breaks to answer a homework question here or there or remind them that they might want to have a snack before they got hangry.

They absolutely refused to go outside, so they stayed in and played pretend and "snuck" an extra 20 minutes on the iPad.

This was in marked contrast to yesterday evening when Ramona and I got into a power play.  She wanted help with her writing homework but was frustrated and was taking it out on me.  After several episodes, I had reached my limit and stormed off while yelling that I wasn't going to help people who kept yelling at me.  She came to me a few minutes later asking for help as if nothing had just transpired.  80-90% of the time I can keep my cool while my they are spiraling up, but that other 10-20% eludes me.

I'm left with two thoughts: Ramona carries absolutely no grudge for when I yelled at her yesterday evening; that sort of unconditional love and forgiveness is just amazing.  Although the girls have very few activities right now and lots of opportunities for unscheduled time on a regular basis, it's still such a gift to have an unexpected afternoon off.

Monday, November 17, 2014


It's amazing to me how God works.  I have been comforted lately by the knowledge lately that God knows what is in my heart, even when I am tired and frustrated and being short with my family, or when I forget to say prayers of Thanksgiving but I feel grateful, or when I forgotten to say prayers of petition but I have a yarning in my heart for something.  Even when I do not voice these things in prayer, God still knows.

Sometimes I have a thought or a want or need in my heart and I find it addressed or answered and I wonder to myself later "how did God answered that prayer I never even spoke it out loud?"

What is also amazing to me is how God answers my prayers, sometimes more quickly than anyone would ever think is possible.

I've been thinking for a few weeks now that even with the vision therapy, there is still something funky going on with the way that Ramona learns.  I voiced this concern to our friends in our small church community meeting a couple weeks ago and I asked for prayers for wisdom because I don't know where to go next. All of my life I always have a plan for everything and this time I don't know what my next step should be.  

When I finished speaking, one of the members of our group (a pediatrician) said "let's chat for a few minutes after the meeting, I have some ideas for you."

I'll go into another detail in another post about his ideas, but here we are less than two weeks later and Ramona has assessments scheduled with two of the top educational psychologists in the Colorado area.

In the space of 10 days, because of the request for prayers that I spoke out loud and because of the way that God sent us on the path to this parish, and because of these people that are in our small church community (who don't even go to this parish anymore), my prayer has been answered.  What's even more ironic is that this pediatrician and his family have actually left the Catholic Church. They have joined another denomination but they also wanted to keep their ties to their former denomination and parish, so they have remained as active members of the small church community.

The path that has led us to these appointments for Ramona is filled with so many coincidences that it's simply not possible that they are only coincidences.

Is this God's Grace?  In this moment I can't recall the technical definition of grace, but I seem to believe that it refers to God loving us even when we don't deserve it.  This is the work of the Lord, reminding me again and again, that he hears my prayers (whether they are spoken aloud or in my heart), that he is here with me, next to me, walking this path with me offering me comfort and reassurance every step of the way.

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